Saturday, September 22, 2007

Addicted to Intervention?

It's 2:40 a.m. And I'm watching intervention. I planned to bed hours ago, but I got sucked in by the tragedy, drama and intense love captured on the show.

I'm tired. But I need one more hit!

Randomness Alert:

I feel like CSI: Miami (aka the only CSI I watch) is like a cartoon for adult. It's a live action G.I. Joe. It's all bright colors, cheesy dialogue and gooey corpses. Good stuff. Horatio Cane will fuck your life up!

And I totally just told you that soI could see the beginning of Brian's intervention! Addicted, I tell you.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Award Show Conspiracy

Since I’m no longer Queen Excel, I’ve been feeling quite naked without my crown of…spreadsheet cells and needless data. I’ve decided that I am the new Queen of Bitter, Queen B if you will. Like my new crown of broken dreams and crushed hope? As newly reigned Queen, I’ve decided that I hate awards shows. After the debacle that was the VMAs (and the subsequent controversy afterwards) and now the Tony Bennett-and-Sopranos Lovefest-slash-Randomest Winners Ever Awards Show aka The Emmys.

I’ve decided that awards shows are televised purely to make the viewing public feel like absolute shit about their own lives. I mean what exactly IS a show designed to honor already beautiful and rich people who get to do what they love everyday and live fabulous lives exactly supposed to do? Make us feel all warm and fuzzy? Inspire us to follow our dreams? No! They want you to feel depressed that you are Queen Excel or that you got your first rejection letter from a literary agency on the same day you blew the opportunity for a fantastic writing job. They want you to feel low and useless so you’ll all the more willing to retreat into a world of imagination and creativity, passion and drama, i.e, television? See how that works? It’s a strategy conjured up by advertisers and network executives!

The Emmys itself was boring, save for a few moments: I enjoyed Katherine HIGH-GUL’s win and her speech. She looked fabulous. America Ferrera always makes me cry when she wins awards. And I was thrilled for her! Mom-to-be Christina Aguilera’s performance was the only treat of the show. She looked adorable and sounded like an angel…as usual.

On the dark side, T.R. Knight was robbed. I feel like he’s the Djimon Honsou of the Emmys. He’s a fantastic comedic actor with dramatic chops you never saw coming. I’d assumed he’d be yet another victim of the “Sopranos” Mob, but he was bested by some random guy from “Lost” with a sparkly tie and pink shirt. OUCH! Vanessa Williams was also robbed by trailer trash! Jaime Pressley is funny and all, but she’s already southern, so technically, it’s not that much of a stretch now is it?

Finally, can the Emmys or any other important awards show refrain for being on FOX? They censored SALLY FIELD (totally rooting for Kyra Sedgwick, but whatcha gonna do?). I mean, seriously, what type of network censors people’s acceptance speeches? (According to, Field said “And let’s face it, if the mothers ruled the world, there would be no goddamn wars in the first place…” That’s it!) A cowardly one. I thought FOX was supposed to be edgy and racy. First, they want to make “Dick in the Box” family-friendly (read UNFUNNY) and now any anti-war sentiments aren’t allowed. Fuck edgy and racy, try oppressive and old. Fuck FOX. That’s right FCC, I said FUCK!

In summation, award shows are just a conspiracy to make us feel like shit. And I fall for it every year.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Don't "Gimme More"

You know your awards show is having major problems when you have coax major acts there by nominating them AND letting them party and drink during the show. That’s right folks. If the very celebrities nominated for the MTV's Video Music Awards don’t want to be there, why should I watch? Because the new “edgy” remake-slash-infomerical for Palms Hotel and Casino was destined from its conception to be THE trainwreck in of the year. And it opened with the blinged out caboose of Britney Spears performing in what looked like leftover of the Pussycat Dolls costumes. Mama Spears half-assed her way through a generic routine and a generic song sans the rumored theatrics of magician Criss Angel. The performance was boring. And love her or love to hate her, B-Fed has NEVER been boring. A disoriented Spears forgot to pretend to sing. She lazed and loafed through a performance as even other celebrities (her peers, no less) watched in underwhelmed horror. She looked more like Courtney Love Barbie than a girl trying to prove she still had it. It’s over, Britney. “Give Us More?” Don’t you fucking dare.

The show was not a night of unique musical collaborations and zany moments. It was a mishmash of technical difficulties, drunken riots, Kid Rock cold-cockin’ Tommy Lee, more drunken riots…but only a handful of awards were given out and only three acts actually sang on the main stage. It was probably the best thing for the actual celebrities, cutting out all that boring waiting and being sober and it got right to the parties and alcohol. For the viewer, it was nothing less than eye-garbage, lots o hype with no follow-through.MTV Producers had the genius idea to move the show from NYC to the Palms in Vegas and have celebrities (Justin Timberlake, Kayne West, Foo Fighters, etc) host their parties in the hotel’s many suites during the show. On the main stage, only several acts performed: Alicia Keys tore it up with a new single “No One” which morphed in George Michael’s “Freedom; Chris Brown once again tried to BE Michael Jackson with a very enthusiastic performance, parts of which were janked from the King of Pop himself; Justin Timberlake, BFF Timbaland and crew closed the show.

My personal highlight was a drunk Timberlake stumbling into the wall as he made his way to the main stage (he actually can mess up, even if he made it look cool), still put on one of the best performances of the night, and invite the audience up to his suite party on the 32nd floor! Apparently through the tequila-soaked blur of the night, awards were handed out, but I can’t remember for what or to whom. Justin Timberlake challenged MTV to play more videos and make less reality shows (in front of “The Hills” girls no less). I agree. I’ve even blogged about MTV’s lack of music-based programming. I think the show proved that music isn’t as bad a place as it may seem, but it’s the actual music channel that’s lost its way.

Random Note:*Sarah Silverman is not funny. MTV seems to think she’s zany and controversial, but calling anyone’s babies “mistakes” is a good way to get your ass kicked by a bodyguard. Shut up and sit down.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Free At Last

I must preface this blog with a personal statement: I am no longer Queen Excel. In a string of surprisingly upsetting and eventually liberating events, I have retired my crown made of cells and formulas, and I’m now enjoying complete unemployment for the first time in nearly nine years. I’m free, and it’s terrifying and kind of exciting and somewhat boring. There are so many things that I promised myself I would do if I ever had free time when I was trapped in my three-walled slat blue cubicle—travel, finish my series of children’s books, start running again, go to movies in the afternoon, learn to paint. The only thing I’ve really been able to afford to do is gain weight.

Someone who can afford do be unemployed AND do whatever the fuck they want in the down time is JC Chasez, a very attractive 1/5th of *NSYNC. (And he is. He’s been in New York all week for Fashion Week…for the models AND the fashion). While he’s sitting on millions of *NSYNC dollars (about a grand of that is from my own pocket), he’s also nurturing a ridiculous amount of unappreciated, underrated musical talent.

I have gushed about his poorly promoted, thus poorly selling debut-album, “Schizophrenic”, in previous posts. (Backstory: He sang about masturbation to a beat…*snorts*…and tackled pretty much every genre on the album, making it hard to market to the masses dumbed down by mindless club tracks and rappers trying to sing, especially after the Superbowl debacle of his bandmate, which radio program directors turned into prudes. Chasez also hates the game of the music biz and refused to mention his relationship with Eva Longoria or talk shit about JT. Audiences love scandal!)

JC was supposed to release his second album earlier this year. Yes, nine months ago folks, but yet babies have conceived, carried and born and yet no album. No promotion. No videos. No explanations. His first single “You Ruined Me”—an emotionally wistful love song that demonstrated the Chasez’s range and songwriting chops—was released in May 2006, and even got some decent reviews, yet no further movies were made to gain even more exposure. JIVE shelved “Ruined”, and hemmed and hawed before dropping “Until Yesterday”—an addictive, operatic song with a Freddie Mercury vibe with Justin Timberlake as co-writer and producer—via AOL First Listen last September. The same thing happened again: the song built a good head of steam that fizzled out into the musical atmosphere due to inactivity.

A year later, reports that JC is FINALLY free from the record label who’s been holding him hostage for nearly four years, and he reportedly gets to take his songs with him. “Kate” will be released on a new label, and hopefully it will give him a fair shake to let the world hear that beautiful voice and genius songwriting.

If you’re curious and adventurous, download “Schizophrenic” or got to AOL and listen to those singles off “Kate”. He’s brilliant!