Snarky Supernatural Recap: After School Special

While the Supernatural fandom mourns the seemingly unexpected death of beloved Supernatural director and producer, Kim Manners, this week’s installment of the show provided fans with a (rare) Sam-centric storyline, Dean in some fetching red shorts, and some patented Supernatural angst as an escape. Thank you, show, for proving that no matter how bad our lives get, Sam and Dean’s will always be worse.

The “THEN” previews are from all the way back in the first season, touching on Sam’s rocky relationship with his shitty father, his need to live a normal life, Dean’s inherit need to protect Sammy, and their collective miserable childhood. “NOW.” In the cafeteria of Truman High School in the fictional Fairfax, Indiana, a group of cheerleaders and jocks gossip about another, approaching cheerleader. She’s a “slut” who apparently had sex with another popular guy and gave him the “reverse cowgirl and everything!” Now, in my high school, gossip as salacious as that would make mighty popular. Go figure! Anyway, the head cheerleader, who is blonde, of course, declares their table is a “skeeve-free” zone and Skinny, Skanky Taylor needs to take her arse somewhere else. The table then starts a very obnoxious cough-into-the-hand chant of “slut, slut, slut” which predictably embarrasses Taylor in front of the entire school, and sends her running to another table to sit with a girl who isn’t a size two and is therefore obese! Jessica Simpson tells her that her friends are jerks and that she’s “sorry” about the way they treated her. Taylor, angry and humiliated, snarls back, “Don’t you feel sorry for me, you fat ugly pig!” and thus pays forward the social torture. She immediately regrets it when Jessica Simpson darts out of the cafeteria, feeling just as miserable and lost and alone as poor Taylor. Ah, high school, the supposed best years of our lives!

The next day, in the girl’s bathroom, Taylor comes out of the stall, tears falling freely and she tries to make herself presentable for her next class. Jessica Simpson is abruptly standing behind her, leering with dead eyes. “You think I’m ugly?” she asks in an eerie monotone. Taylor, whose coifed brunette hair belongs in a Pantene commercial, apologizes and promises she didn’t mean it. Jessica Simpson just stares at her blankly before snatching a handful of Taylor’s silky tresses and ramming her pretty little face into the mirror, breaking the glass. She then thunks her chin on the hard porcelain of the sink. Blood splatters from Taylor’s mouth, because that’s never NOT disgusting. Jessica Simpson bodily yanks a writhing Taylor across the bathroom and into the stall. Without hesitation, she pushes the cheerleader’s head into the toilet and flushes. “I’m not ugly,” Jessica Simpson declares as she drowns the poor girl, who is putting up one hell of a fight. But, of course, Taylor dies after inhaling putrid public high school toilet water, and Jessica Simpson throws her body onto the tiled floor, and still stares with a stony gaze. A nasty, black tear dribbles down her cheek as she announces to the soggy corpse, “you’re ugly.” I think killing her was a good enough come back, Jess.

Awesome! This almost makes me forget about the last two episodes. Hee!

Pimp title card! A beautiful, vertical shot of an old, classic building morphs into an orderly’s familiarly broad back. Jessica Simpson, who has recovered from whatever supernatural force overtook her body, is looking out the window of yet another insane asylum. “I’m not talking about it anymore,” she says. “I already told the cops and the doctors, no one believes me. They think I’m crazy!” “I’m a little more open-minded than most,” Sammy’s deep voice rumbles off-screen. Shocker, y’all, he’s the orderly! And wow, his voice has gotten octaves deeper since season one. Proving for the millionth time that our Darling Sammy is ALL man now! Apparently, Jessica Simpson’s real name is April, and she told the police she was possessed. And now we know why Sammy is talking to the witness and not Dean, because he has personal experience with demonic possession. April won’t tell Sammy why she thought she was possessed, but Sammy just twitches his magically sensitive eyes at her, and she relents. She’s a Sam-girl! Like me! (HEY!) Sorry, Dean! “When I hurt Taylor, I was there in my head but I couldn’t control my body. I could see what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop. I just wanted to stop.” And I now know that she’s a Canadian actress, by the way she pronounces the word “stop.” Haha! To make a long scene short, after Sammy asks if she smelled sulfur or happened to notice any black smoke trying to jam its way into her body, April is convinced HE’S crazy.

In the Metallicar, Sammy relays the information to Dean, who thinks that “maybe it wasn’t a demon, I mean, kids can be vicious.” Sammy concedes, but he thinks they should check out the school since they are in the area. Dean is reluctant, “Truman High, home of the Bombers,” he says with faux nostalgia. “We went there for like a month a million years ago, why are you so jazzed to go back?” Dean wonders. Sammy promises he’s not, that he just wants to be a thorough hunter. We know that’s a damn lie because he already has their covers picked out. Hilarity is about to ensue!

Dean cranks the Metallicar’s engine and the beginning drums of Foreigner’s, “Long, Long Way From Home,” plays on the soundtrack as the flashbacks begin! Truman High School, 1997. I have no idea what it is about this scene, be it the bright, happy, normal colors of a suburban high school, the blatant car porn as the Metallicar ambles up to the school in lurid slow motion with young Dean (played competently by Brock Kelley) in the passenger seat (and damn if that’s not a weird sight. Dean drives with GUNSHOT WOUNDS!), or the kinetic electric guitar of the song, but I squeal and scream and giggle like a true fangirl that I am. Young Dean, with full model face, licks his lips and ambles out of the car in Dean’s vintage leather jacket, collar turned up of course. These few seconds are enough to convince me that Brock Kelly knows just how hot he is in real life and as this character. And I’ll be damned if he doesn’t look like he could be related to Jensen Ackles. Great bit of casting!

Wee Sammy is small. Really small. I mean, he’s like four-foot-seven. But I recognize him immediately, because he’s broody and angsty and carrying a backpack that’s almost as big as he is! (Young Sammy is also being played by the same amazing little Colin Ford, who played him in “A Very Superatural Christmas.”) After he thanks his shitty father for a ride (who we never actually see, because he’s too busy playing a ghost on Grey’s Anatomy. Wrong show, Jeff, wrong fucking show!), he asks Sammy if he has his “Lunch? Books? Butterfly Knife?” Sammy glums a “yeah, Dean.” Dean steps in front of Wee Sam, asking him if he’s okay. Some things never change. Wee Sam is frustrated, “look this is the third school we’ve been to this year, and it’s only November. I’m just sick of always being the new kid.” “Anybody gives you any trouble, you just let me know?” Dean says, flexing his big brother muscle. “Relax, Dad said this hunt will take two weeks, tops. Soon as he gets back, we’re outta here!” “To another school,” Wee Sam sulks, “awesome.”

The next scene beautifully illustrates just how different yet alike Sam and Dean are in a way that only siblings can be by intercutting between the two Winchesters being introduced to their respective homerooms. Sam is crestfallen and sick of the entire process, while Dean calls the teacher “sweetheart” and “sugar” and is literally too cool for school. Sam slinks to this seat, head down, while Dean ambles down the aisle and charismatically spins into his desk in a way that would make The Fonz and AC Slater very, very proud. Both boys draw the attention of student. For Sam, it’s a freckle-faced geek in thick glasses who is impressed when Wee Sammy’s butterfly knife falls out of his backpack. For Dean, it’s a pixie-faced blonde in a pink sweater. The icing on an already delectable and ingenious scene piece of film is that Wee Sam’s class is reading “The Outsiders” as indicated on the board behind the teacher. I am falling in love with this show all over again.

Dean’s craggly-faced teacher asks him where his books are, and he smiles, “Don’t need them, sugar. Not gonna be here long enough anyway.” And the entire class, including Tinkerbell, thinks he’s just so dreamy and badass. I just might, too, because this Dean hasn’t been to Hell, doesn’t have the weight of the world on his shoulders, and is just a mouthy, teenage spitfire who knows his way around a sawed-off.

As Wee Sam’s class gets an essay assignment on “their most memorable family experience,” the geek, who more like an adorable Paul Pfeiffer from “The Wonder Years” introduces himself as Barry just before a burly bully starts repeatedly flicking the poor kid’s ear in an attempt to beat his previous record. Poor Barry winces, but takes the abuse. Sammy, bred to protect people who cannot protect themselves from bullies or…banshees, tells the bully to leave him alone. “You wanna take his place, midget?” Burly Bully asks. Wee Sam pivots in his seat, “yeah, sure,” he says, and stares the bully down with Giant Sammy’s unnerving confidence and a little smirk that makes him seem dangerous. Wow, Wee Sammy is a badass! Burly Bully is shocked by such a turn of events because little freshman midgets should be terrified of him, and this does not compute.

Wee Sammy continues to stare him down, and the screen morphs into Giant Sammy’s prominent mug as he walks the same halls in a janitor’s uniform. The bell rings and the same teacher who introduced Wee Sammy steps out of the classroom just as Sam passes it.

Gym. A whistle blows as the camera moves from one net of balls to…well Dean’s balls. That’s right, folks, our beloved Scrappy Doo is rocking a pair of supertight shorts, a Truman High Polo, high knee socks, and a red sweatband in a cute, sexy, hot, wrong, bow-legged way that only Dean can. Wow. Um, seriously, thank you, Supernatural! Next stop: SPEEDO! Dean is subbing as a gym teacher, and he walks up and down the line of Truman High School students, praising the game of Dodgeball like it’s an ancient, sacred art. If you’ve ever played Dodgeball in middle school with boys, you know how lethal it can be. And Dean was definitely the kind of kid that would injure and maim as many dorks as humanly possible with those painful rubber balls. “You will have the honor of playing one of the greatest games every invented. A game a skill, agility and cunning. A game with one simple rule: DODGE!” And with that he takes a ball and whips it full throttle at a poor little kid, who doesn’t catch on and dodge, and gets nailed in the gut for his short bus brand of specialness. That will definitely leave a mark. I’m ignoring the little comments about “Ms. B being in Massachusetts getting married,” because hello, the lesbian gym teacher joke has been done a five gazillion times. Dean forces the kid who dare defile the game of Dodgeball to take a lap, and I’ll be damned if we don’t have our Deano back! He just used the Dean voice. The real, non-pyscho Christian-Bale-as-Batman one! He’s gruff and embracing another role with Dean’s trademark reckless abandon. We haven’t seen Silly!Dean since before he admitted that he remembered his time in Hades waaaay back in an episode I refused to admit exists because it’s was as bad as “Route 66” and “Bugs” COMBINED!

Janitor Sammy steps into the gym, and literally fills up the entire doorway with his gigantic, manly frame. Jesus, I need to meet Jared Padalecki just so I can climb him like a Great Oak. Dean tosses the net of balls up in the air, and tells the kids to “go nuts” while he gets an update from Sammy. Sam hasn’t found any sulfur, and Dean quickly concludes, “No sulfur, no demon; no demon, no case” and he is itching to get on the road, but after lunch because it’s Sloppy Joe day. Aww, Dean’s appetite is back! Sammy winces as a kid predictably get beaned in the face with a ball off-screen and runs through the shot with a hand covering his mouth and nose. “Good hustle, Colby! WALK IT OFF!” Dean growls in a way his dad probably told him after he stabbed him with a pick-axe or something equally brutal. Then he licks his lips and smirks at Sam in a way that is so adorkable and hot, and why, why, why don’t I work on this show?! Oh, that’s right, the restraining orders. Moving on. Dean officially wins the Battle of the Pretty for this Episode. Just for that! Good job, Winchester!

Home Ec. The camera pans across a food processor as three finger-sized pieces of are tossed in, and the whirring blades chop, dice and mince it finely in mere seconds. After four seasons of watching this show, I already know where this is heading, and I’m simultaneously excited and nauseous for the impending gore. The same jock from the late Taylor’s table is bugging a poor skinny kid with emo hair. “I need to copy your algebra homework again!” Emo McGee ignores him, spacing out. Jock shoves him roughly and repeats his demand. Emo McGee looks at him menacingly. “Why, because you’re a stupid brain-dead dick?” He seethes, and then turns on the food processor, prepping it for the assignment. Just as surprised as Burly Bully was at Wee Sam’s defiance, Jock is momentarily stunned by the refusal. Then, of course, he amps up the aggression to threaten, “I’m going to shove my first down your throat, you freak!” “That fist?” Emo McGee evilly inquires. “Yeah!” Grinning, Emo McGee shoves the aforementioned fist into the appliance of doom! I highly doubt Bobby Flay will be serving THAT up for dinner. Jock screams and howls as Emo McGee laughs and laughs. Blood splatters all over them, and the camera even zooms in for a shadowy glimpse of the hand being julienned in a bowl full of blood and flesh. Tasty. I may have been screaming in a psychotic combination of glee and visceral disgust during this whole awesome display of gore, but you cannot prove it. The show hasn’t been that gory in a while, and it definitely beats out the hand-down-the-garbage-disposal from “Home” in Season One. The students, raised in the post-Columbine generation, scatter, duck and bolt as the teacher rushes poor screaming, bloody Jock and his mangled hand pass Janitor Sammy—who has quite a mess to clean up now— and down the hall. Guess what? Jock ain’t a jock anymore. It’s a tragedy. Emo McGee, who is splattered in Jock’s blood, passes out. Sammy rushes over to him and notices an icky black substance oozes from his ear, and THAT seriously skeeves me out, maybe more than the hand in the food processor. Ick. Emo McGee is disoriented and woozily asks Janitor Sammy what happened. Sammy just frowns and has nothing good to say.

In the deserted hallway, Sammy is using his trusty EMF monitor to check for any readings, when Dean finds him, wearing an absolutely fetching Truman High tracksuit. And I haven’t been this happy with the guys’ wardrobes since “In My Time of Dying” when Dean ran around for the whole hour in a tee shirt and thin cotton pants. He looks loose and comfortable and gorgeous. Red is definitely his color. Sammy asks how the “Non-Violence Assembly” is going. “Apparently shoving a kid’s arm into a Cuisinart is not a healthy display of anger.” No, but it makes great TV. Ha! Sam tells Dean that he saw ectoplasm leaking out of his ear, and figures they are dealing with a ghost possession from a very angry spirit. Sammy does admit that they can’t figure out where the ghost is haunting, exactly, as it’s not giving off any readable electromagnetic activity. They need to find record of “someone dying bloody” inside the school. Dean, picking an incredibly odd time to start doing his homework, already found out that “three of the cheerleaders are legal” and “there was only one death on campus back in ’98, some kid named Barry Cook.” Um…quoi? Suddenly Sad Sammy snatches the paper in shock and surprise. Dean says that he “slit his wrists in the first floor girls’ bathroom” which is where poor Taylor was “swirly-ed to death.” Obviously, they figure out that the ghost is possessing nerds and using them to go after bullies. Sam confesses that “Barry had a hard time” in school.

In another seamless transition, the camera zooms tight on Wee Sam’s face and then curls around to show the busy hallways Truman in 1997. Barry, the kid Sam met on his first day, walks down the hall when an older jock swipes his books and sends them flying down the hallway. Students in the hall laugh as Barry scrambles to gather up his textbooks and pencil case. As Sam dutifully helps him, we learn that Barry is counting the days until he’s free from high school and he can go to Michigan State and becoming a veterinarian, because “animals are a lot nicer than people.”

Janitor’s Closet. Young Dean is making out with Tinkerbell, and describing his perfect date night to her: “you. Me. A bucket of popcorn extra butter. And a midnight screening of ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ at the Cinedome.” He says between kisses. Tinkerbell can’t because she has an eleven o’clock curfew. Dean, having a terrible father, who rather fight demons and train his sons like warriors than be a good parent, and a crispified mother, doesn’t understand. “So if I break it, my folks will ground me for a month,” she explains. “Yeah, parents terrifying,” Dean buhs. I guess the threat of eternal grounding isn’t exactly scary when you were raised to battle evil. Tinkerbell is shocked to learn that Dean’s father has left him to his own devices for two weeks while he’s “on a job.” Dean claims he has a “pretty sweet set-up at The Pines [Motel]. HBO, Magic Fingers, free ice, it’s great.” I definitely agree with him on the free ice, but apparently, he’s never swiped Citrus-Infused Water from Marriott lobby in downtown Chicago. It is fantastic! Dean and I are both incredibly cheap dates. Back to the show. “I do whatever I want, when I want, it’s perfect.” Dean admits. When Tinkerbell asks him if he misses his dad, Dean becomes uncharacteristically quiet, because his bravado is hiding the fact that he is more than likely petrified that his father will never come back and exhausted from the responsibility of taking care of a 14-year-old while he’s gone. Dean ends their make-out session and greets Sammy as he walks through the halls with Barry, who thinks Dean is cool, and even cooler because he was hanging out with Tinkerbell. Sammy and Barry walk directly into the path of Burly Bully, who towers over Wee Sammy and outweighs him by a good 75 pounds. “Hey, tough guy, still want to take [Barry’s] place?” Barry runs to get a teacher, and Wee Brave Sammy places a hand on Barry’s rotund tummy to keep him from following. The whole school gathers around to watch Burly Bully antagonize and then punch poor Sammy. Wee Sammy falls to his hands and knees, and struggles with anger and the fact that he could easily kick this bastard’s ass. Unfortunately, Mr. Wyatt arrives to escort Burly Bully to the principal’s office before Wee Sammy can unleash a smackdown that he deserves. Barry stands behind Sam as he watches him go.

And I want to take a moment to praise the flashbacks. Usually, I hate flashbacks in television shows, especially when they don’t use the same actors. Supernatural has always made the flashbacks fit flawlessly into the plot of the show and it always sheds an enormous amount of light on the characters, painting them as layered, complete, and complicated people in a usually gut-wrenching, heartbreaking manner. Bravo!

We fade into Sad Sammy salting and burning his childhood friend’s bones. “So long Barry Cook,” Dean says, somewhat insensitively. Rain coats the Metallicar’s otherwise pristine windshield as Sammy broods in the passenger seat. “You alright?” Dean asks, and for some reason him saying that feels wonderful. It comforts ME because it’s been months since he was worried about Sam, and not the other way around. Regardless of how big and strong and big Sammy is, he is still Dean’s younger brother, and Dean will always try to protect and worry about him. That’s just the way it is. “Barry was my friend, and I just burned his bones,” Sam responds. And no, he’s definitely not alright. “Well, he’s at peace now, Sam.” Dean offers weakly. “I mean if Dad had let us stay just a little while longer, maybe I could have helped the kid,” Sammy shoulda-coulda-wouldas. Dean, being pragmatic, admits that Barry was on every anti-anxiety and anti-depressant available, and his parents had just gotten divorced. He even admits that “school was hell for that kid”—and we know Dean is sensitive about the use of the word “Hell”—and he “just wanted out.” Sam couldn’t have saved him. Dean skillfully changes the subject, and admits he was glad they left that school because he hated it. Dean wonders why Sam didn’t think it was “that bad” after “what happened to [him].”

Whiteout to Wee Sammy sitting outside on the bleachers, brooding as Dean plots Burly Bully’s death in a way only Dean can. “That kid’s dead! I’m going to rip his LUNGS OUT!” Hee! Brock hasn’t exactly mastered the Dean growl, but neither did Dean until the end of Season One…it’s as close as anyone else can get. Sammy pleads for him to “just shut up” because he doesn’t need Dean’s help. “That’s right, you don’t. You could have torn him apart, why didn’t you?” “Because I don’t want to be the freak for once Dean. I want to be normal.” And the writers just scored majority continuity points, because Giant Sammy hates being considered a freak just as much as Wee Samy. “So taking a beating, that’s normal?” Dean asks. I could easily site the whole Superman-complex to back up Sam’s argument (Superman’s alterego Clark Kent is a bumbling, spineless wimp not because that’s how Kal-el saw mankind, etc) but I won’t. Sammy is smart enough to know that most kids aren’t trained to take down grown men and demons, so he hides it. Sammy asks if Dean’s heard from his father. Dean pouts that they’re going to have to stay another week, and he is weirded out because Tinkerbell wants Dean to meet her parents, and he “doesn’t do parents” as he’s never had a real one.

Wee Sammy gets detained by the teacher by Mr. Wyatt. Sam is worried that he got in trouble about the fight, but Mr. Wyatt wants to talk to Sam about the essay he wrote. His most memorable family experience was killing a werewolf with his dad and brother. Mr. Wyatt gives him an A even though he believes Sam wrote mistakenly wrote a fictional story because he it was a well-written. Being an English teacher, Mr. Wyatt asks if Wee Sam has ever thought about pursuing a career in writing. “I can’t. I have to go into the family business” which is wink-wink car repair. It just occurs to me, and hopefully to the audience Wee Sammy thought about doing anything else but hunting demons. He was born into a world of parent-stealing evil and violence and assumed that he had to stay there. If your heart has broken already, you won’t make it to the end of the episode, so bail now. Mr. Wyatt asks Sam point blank if he wants to follow his dad and brother’s footsteps. “No one’s ever asked me that before,” Sam says. And then? “More than anything, no.” Mr. Wyatt then offers Sam probably the most invaluable piece of advice of his young life: “I don’t want to over step my bounds here, but you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Look, I know what it’s like, I come from a family of surgeons and that wasn’t me. So I traded in the money and prestige of being a doctor for all the glamour you see around you. The point is there may be three or four big choices that shape someone’s whole life, and you need to be the one that makes them. Not anyone else. Just live the life you want to live.” And those are probably the most beautiful, precious words Sammy has ever heard in his entire life.

Everyone has a teacher that touches their lives and makes them feel special. For me, it was my first grade teacher, Ms. Harris, who was Southern and had perfect red hair and was the most glamorous and smart woman I’d ever seen. For Wee Samuel Winchester, it’s Mr. Wyatt. We now know why Sammy was so determined to get back to this school and why he had the strength to leave his family behind for Stanford.

The next morning, Dean drives Sammy back to the school, so he can have his “Oh, Captain, my Captain moment” with his former teacher. In a neat moment of continuity, the camera spirals around Giant Sammy and then morphs into Wee Sammy as he runs his fingers through his hair, then back to Giant Sammy as he does the same thing with that almost-mullet. When Sammy turns into the Antichrist, can he get a makeover? I’m thinking a trendy fauxhawk, some eyeliner and black suits. Yes? No? Before Sammy can even knock on the door, a young, tiny student mysteriously appears out of nowhere to ask for directions. I now know that if I ever get the pleasure of meeting Jared Padalecki, I will come up to about his navel, because this girl and I are about the same size. After Darling Sammy gives her directions, she smiles sweetly and innocently, and says, “Thanks, Sam.” Wait, WHAT?! Sam quirks his head to the side like the confused puppy he is because she thanked him by name. Kung Fu Spice takes this moment to whip out her standard issue tenth grade compass and stab Sammy in on one his finely chiseled pectoral muscles! Possessed or not, this bitch needs to die! How dare she defile the sacred pec! Her voice drops several octaves when she proclaims, “you got tall, Winchester!” And she then does what my father taught me to do to bring guys to bring them down: she kicks him swiftly in the balls. And honestly, I’m more pissed off about the pec-stabbing than the scrotum-kicking, because I know where Lil’ Sammy’s been, and I want none of it. She follows up the nutcracker kick with a roundhouse to the face that sends Sammy (well, his stunt-double) crashing into the lockers and then to the floor. Why is Sam getting his ass kicked by a 15-year-old? I know he knows he could render this possessed girl a vegetable if he actually fought back, but come on, Sam! Man up! Ectoplasm oozes out of Kung-Fu Spice’s mouth as Sammy recovers, takes out his trusty flask, and pours a handful of salt in his palm. Since when does he carry salt in his flask? Mighty convenient, show! Anyway, he rolls to his knees and jams the stuff down her throat. Kung-Fu Spice shakes and wiggles as the salt forces the ghost out of her. The black blob of the ghost bounces down the hall and splatters through the ceiling like demonic flubber. Cool! Sammy saved the girl from the ghost, but she now has high blood pressure from ingesting a year’s worth of salt.

The funniest part about this whole scene is that he cradles the now unconscious Kung Fu Spice the gorgeous chest she stabbed not seconds ago. He caringly hooks his chin over her head even though he’s still on his damn knees. Wow. He’s huge!

Dean has parked the Metallicar near a scenic creek with a bridge used in the pilot as a backdrop. (Another fantastic touch!) Sammy is nursing his ego and his wounds. Dean digs in a cooler and produces a thoroughly chilled bottle of what looks like malt liquor. “Trust me, this’ll help.” At first, I think he means drinking it it’ll help with the pain of his pectoral puncture wound and be a great disinfectant, but Sammy sheepishly takes the bottle and gingerly places it between his legs. Hee! I can hold that there, Sam. “That ghost is dead!” Dean seethes. “I’m going to rips its LUNGS OUT!” Dean growls, providing his character continuity. “Well, you know what I mean,” he amends, because ghosts don’t actually have lungs. And I know this entire scene—Dean worried about Sam’s injured johnson and defending his honor and all—is going to send Wincest fandom into a frenzy.

“It knew my name, Dean, my real name.” Sam declares, “what the hell?” Clearly, he’s bewildered because both Sam and Dean thought that Barry was the ghost and the case was essentially over. Dean figures they missed something and checks out the stolen stats on the three nerds-turned-aggressors, and realizes that all of them ride the same bus. But it’s confusing because as far as Dean knows, “Ghosts are tied to the places that they haunt, they can’t just bail.” But Studious Sammy knows that there is “lore about ghosts possessing people and riding them for miles…when they leave the body, they’re bungeyed back to their usual haunt, but until then the ghosts can go wherever they want.” “Ghosts getting creative, well that’s super,” Dean glums and opens his own bottle of malt liquor while they gameplan.

To make a long recap shorter, it’s time to summarize! Sammy and Dean investigate the bus “a flap of skin, a hangnail” anything that could tie the ghost to the bus. When Dean looks into the glove compartment, he finds that driving permit was issued just two weeks ago—right before attacks started—to a Dirk McGregor, Sr. Sammy, of course, knew Dirk, Jr. “Did you know everybody at this school?” Dean wonders.

Flashback. School is letting out and Sammy steps outside to see Burly Bully once again picking on helpless Barry. He immediately comes to his defense, “Leave him alone, Dirk!” That’s right, folks, Dirk Jr., is the Burly Bully. “You never learn, do you, MIDGET?” Dirk hisses. Sam sighs and tells Barry to get on the bus. When he tries to follow, Dirk pushes Sammy to the ground again and starts to heckle him. “Come on LOSE-chester, let’s see what you got? Come on, FREAK!” Dirk found the magic word, because Wee Sammy springs up from the ground and shoves Dirk, ready to RUUUUMMMMMBBLLLLE!! Dirk swings, and Agile Sammy dodges it, and clobbers him with a punch to the gut. Sammy backs up and lets Dirk take the offensive. Dirk swings and misses again, allowing Sam to nail him in the stomach and knee him chest, and then punch him in the face. Sam continues, punching him with a left and a right, and then kicks him at bend of his knee, taking Dirk to the ground before effectively finishing the fight with a teeth-rattling haymaker! The crowd, of course, cheers Wee Sammy on and so do I, because Wee Sammy is better at the hand-to-hand than Giant Sammy. Wee Sammy gets his first lesson in how to loom and tower over bad guys as he leans over Dirk to inform him, “You’re not tough, you’re just a jerk! Dirk the Jerk.” And now the Burly Bully runs away as the crowd laughs and chants “DIRK THE JERK! DIRK THE JERK!” The tables have been turned.

Are you proud of Sam? Are you glad he put that bully in his place? Just wait, because you’re going to feel like shit in about two minutes.

The guys visit Daddy Dirk claiming to be friends of late son. Dirk’s father is an old man, who looks like a cross between a Santa Claus without the beard and Bilbo Baggins without the hobbit feet. He has white eyelashes, sad eyes, and seems eternally grateful for the company. Dirk apparently passed away when he was 18 from booze and drugs. “He slipped through my fingers. It was my fault.” Daddy Dirk guiltily admits, because because “school was never easy for Dirk” because “they didn’t have much money. Kids picked on him. They called him poor and dirty and stupid. They even had a nickname for him: Dirk the Jerk.” Sammy gulps down his responsibility for that. To make matters even worse, Dirk’s mother suffered for years with cancer before dying when Dirk was thirteen. It fell to Dirk, Jr. to “makes sure Jane got her medicine” and clean up after her, because Dirk, Sr. worked three jobs. Sammy looks at a picture of Dirk, young and clean and smiling like a normal kid. Not the mindless blowhard he remembers. Now, it’s time for Daddy Dirk (the mean, evil writers) to twist the knife a bit deeper. “You watch somebody die slow, waste away to nothing, it does things to a person, horrible things.” Dirk never talked about the mighty, psychological burden his mother’s death took on his son but he knew that he was incredibly angry. And that’s why he bullied kids at school. Dean takes over for Sammy, who looks like he may vomit from the heady realizations that he and Dirk actually had some common ground, and lies to Daddy Dirk about wanting to pay respects to his son. Dirk was cremated. “All of him?” Dean blurts out. HA! Daddy Dirk apparently keeps a lock of his hair in his Bible on his bus.

The dead of night. Papa Dirk’s haunted bus plows through the fog, taking the still unspecified sports team to or from a game or meet. Eddie, a huge dude who looks like a Hell’s Angel with his bald, goatee and sun-weathered skin, is a substitute driver for Daddy Dirk. We know he’s haunted by his devilish smile, but ectoplasm leaks out of his nose for the folks in the back. Coach asks Ectoplasm Eddie to watch his speed, but Ectoplasm Eddie is on the plan for revenge. Fortunately for everyone on the bus not named Ectoplasm Eddie, it is derailed by a row of spikes placed in the middle of the road by Sammy and Dean. The bus rolls over them and blows all of its tires, forcing Ectoplasm Eddie steer the bus to the shoulder of the road running through the Canadian backwoods. Ectoplasm Eddie steps off the bus to smell the air and look evil and isn’t surprised when Sammy pops out of nowhere, a shotgun trained on his back. “Winchester?” he sneers, “what are you going to do? Shoot me?” “Don’t need to!” Dean pops up and ties Eddie up with a length of rope that’s been soaked in salt water to keep the ghost from jumping bodies. Um, okay. Sure. I guess that works. Dean bounds on the bus, and demands everyone to stay where they are in his best hero voice. Someone asks if he’s the gym teacher and he blows his cover. Sort of. “I’m like 21 Jump Street. The busdriver sells pot. Yeah!” Hee! Now I don’t remember the show “21 Jump Street”, but I don’t think Johnny Depp ran around tying people up in ropes soaked in condiments. Dean’s cute enough to make the kids buy it, so they do. But Scrappy Doo can’t find the hair, and Ectoplasm Eddie apparently stashed it somewhere they’ll never find it. Ew. Not there, nasty!

Sammy, desperate, slams him against the side of the bus and demands to know where the hair is. “Sam Winchester, still a bully.” God, this ghost is clueless! Ectoplasm Eddie decides to launch into a tirade about the evils of Sammy the Bully and the jocks who think they’re better than everyone else. “To you I was just Dirk the Jerk, right?” Um, you tortured him from the second you saw him, so yeah, that’s what you were. “Now you evil sons a bitches are going to get what’s coming to you.” “I’m not evil, Dirk!” YES YOU ARE! I KEEP WAITING FOR THAT EVIL TO EMERGE! “I’m not!” Sammy implores. “And neither were you. Trust me, I’ve seen real evil. We were scared and miserable, and we took it out on each other. That’s high school, but you suffer through that, and it gets better. I’m just sorry you didn’t get a chance to see that. You or Barry.” Sammy explains, continuing to break my heart. But this isn’t exactly comforting to Dirk the Ghost. “Things aren’t going to get better for me, not ever!” He screams and gains the strength to snap through those salt-encrusted ropes. Sammy shoots him (and his host body) twice in the chest. Granted it’s rock salt, but OUCH. Dirk the Ghost jumps from Eddie to Plump Stan on the bus, who tackles Sammy and starts pummeling him all about the face and head. Dean shoots the poor possessed bastard in the back, but that has no effect, and Sammy would rather he find the hair and not further injure the teenager. Dean searches and searches, and even pats down a wheezing Eddie and eventually finds the hair in his boot. He immediately torches it, killing the ghost in an impressive display of computer generated sparks and fire. Plump Stanley promptly passes out ontop of Sam, who chokes and coughs beneath his weight, and it’s a lot funnier than it should be because of Jared’s long, long limbs. “Lil’ help!” he hisses as Dean comments about Plump Stanley giving his brother “the full cowgirl!” Hee!

Want to know why Dean hates Truman High School? Here’s why: Dean being Dean decides to sabotage his relationship with Tinkerbell by making out with an unnamed dimpled brunette and gets caught by Tinkerbell. But she’s not mad at him. She feels sorry for him because she thought that “maybe underneath your whole, I-could-give-a-crap bad boy thing that there was something more going on, like the way you are with your brother. But I was wrong. You spend so much time trying to convince people that you’re cool, but it’s just an act. We both know that you’re a sad, lonely little kid, and I feel sorry for you Dean.” And she says this in front of the whole school. Dean’s only response is “Don’t feel sorry for me. I save lives. I’m a hero. A HERO!” to Amanda’s retreating form. Tinkerbell is right, and it reads all over his pretty, pretty face. As this is happening to Dean, Sammy is being congratulated and praised by everyone in school for whooping Dirk the Jerk’s ass. So there Sam learns the rewards of doing the right thing, and eventually decides to dedicate his life to doing the right thing the RIGHT WAY. John soon arrives to collect the boys. Dean trips over himself to get out of that school, and Sam has a newfound confidence, but he has to leave Barry. Without his protector, Barry will be terrorized by Dirk the Jerk until he kills himself just that next year. Dirk will suffer for three more years before dying as well.

Sammy’s “Dead Poet’s Society” moment isn’t exactly a happy one. He admits to Mr. Wyatt that he did indeed go to college, probably because the advice he gave him, but that eventually the real world responsibilities caught up with him and he had to deal with that. Sammy thanks him for “taking an interest in him when no one else did.” Mr. Wyatt, being a teacher, replies, “the only thing that really matters is that you’re happy. Are you happy, Sam?” Jared Padalecki’s face barely moves. His lips tense a tiny bit, but his eyes seem to sink and darken as the camera tracks his face and eventually fades to black. He’s not happy. He only had four years to live his life the way he wanted before he was blindsided by the death of his girlfriend, and then everything he ran away from, and then the fast-approaching apocalypse.

The episode was heavy, not only for the boys, but for anyone who has dealt with bullies and teasing and lives ending far too soon. It was fantastic and sad and smart and very, very real. Sammy and I are the same age and it dealt with a lot of issues I experienced as a youth. Fortunately, my biggest worry is trying to find and keep a job in this economy, and not the safety of the human race. As always, Sam and Dean’s terrible lives put everything in perspective. Thank you, boys.

An Ode to Demian at TwoP: A Snarky Supernatural Recap of "Metamorphosis"

Last week’s installment of “Supernatural” was hands down the best episode of the series. Jensen Ackles remains the undisputed heavyweight champion as The Most Underrated Actor on Television by giving a knockout performance as a son discovering his family’s dark secrets first hand. Castiel, God’s Gangsta Angel, mcflied Dean back in time (in a dream) to show him exactly how Yellow Eyes caught his mother’s scent and why Sam is a “spoonbender.” (“Demon blood is better than Ovaltine, vitamins, mineral…it makes you grow big and strong.” Hee!) Dean awoke to find Sam missing and Castiel boasting, “Your brother is heading down a dangerous road, Dean. So stop it or I will.” Um, *gulp*

“Metamorphosis” begins with an upwards shot of a makeshift metal devil’s trap, and it pans down to a very nefarious demon beneath it. That Sammy is so industrious! And we all know he can weld. Where was I? Oh yes, Demon Doe is lashed to a chair in an abandoned warehouse, and when Sam asks where Lilith is, Demon Doe hisses, “Kiss my ass!” Sammy looks hot and angry and cocky, and hot. And he warns, “Oh I’d watch myself if I were you.” Apparently Sam’s reputation as a hunter proceeds him, and Demon Doe knows all about him, but then scoffs that he can’t be that great as he’s “sluttin’ around with some demon.” And I’m with Demon Doe because, ew, he better not be fornicating with Ruby because um, she’s possessing some poor girl’s body and this girl has no say as to what Ruby is doing. Rape, Sam, that’s RAPE!

Demon Doe makes some demands of his own: “Tell me about all those months without your brother, about all the things you and this demon-bitch do in the dark.” Unfortunately for Demon Doe, Sam growls and shows him exactly he did while Dean was vacationing in Hades. He extends his hand, thinks real hard, and the victim pukes up the demon. It hovers in a cloud of black smokes before it sizzles back down to hell. MWHAHAHA! I love that. Honestly, I thought the writers were preparing a monumental SIKE! on the audience by building up this huge reveal only to have Dean discover Ruby in her brand new bod, and that she was the hot little thang that Sam had in his room all the way back in the season premiere.

So, I was pleasantly surprised when Dean did actually discover that while he was occupied, Ruby 2.0 was Ms. Miyagi to Sam’s Daniel-san, teaching him how to use and control his powers. Dean witnesses Sammy-san wax-off Demon Doe after the fruitless interrogation, and he’s a livid. DUN!Crows’ wings flap over the stark title card that I absolutely love, and then we had tossed right back into the action. The demon’s host survives. And Ruby asks her protégé how it felt. Sammy-san’s powers are getting stronger, and it doesn’t give him headaches. If I didn’t know that Castiel wanted Sammy-san stopped, I’d offer him a congratulatory lapdance, but the titty-tassles are staying in the drawer, because Sam’s power is growing, and that B-A-D.

Dean walks in quietly and demands answers, “So…anything you want to tell me, Sam?” Sammy-sans stutters and stalls and shits his pants.

And I quickly discern why Ruby 2.0 and Sammy-san’s interrogation skillz suck for she immediately blows her cover by tilting her head to the side and cooing, “It’s nice to see you again, Dean” with her demon-dead eyes. Um, I thought she was a badass witch-turned-demon who had most of her humanity tortured away by meathooks and hot pokers? She completely folded! She’s a pathetic excuse for a demon, ain’t she? Sammy-san stands there looking like a 15-year-old boy who just got caught with porn. By his grandmother. And his priest.

With nothing more than a pissed off smirk, Dean unveils The Brand New Super-Special, Supernatural, Secret Handshake …and attacks her with The Knife! Hee! Welcome to the club, you “obedient, little bitch!”

In the lowlight of the warehouse, Dean, Sammy-san and Ruby 2.0 fight while the Formerly Possessed and Quickly DYING Victim stands there and...well, tries not to die.

Sammy-san forces The Knife out of Dean’s hands. Dean throws Sam into a wall. Ruby 2.0 heaves Dean into another wall and proceeds to choke him! Oh hell no! Sammy-san orders Ruby 2.0 to stop. She does eventually. While all of this is happening, I’m trying to conjure up my own demonic telekinetic powers to send Ruby 2.0 back to the 9th circle of hell. Why you ask? The reasons are two-fold: 1) She tried to throttle Our Dean and Savior, who is now protected by God’s Warriors (which she is terrified of), and that’s about as dee-monic as anything I can think of. 2) She followed Sam’s orders a little too easily. I am now damn sure she has her own sinister motives for aligning herself with the Sammy-san, the former (or future) Anti-Christ. (Warning: trying to discover your own dormant telekinesis will likely give you a terrifying “it could be a stroke” headache. Don’t try that at home. Or ever.). Castiel, smite this heifer now!

Ruby 2.0 proves how right Dean is by following Sammy-san’s orders when he says, “Ruby, he’s hurt. Go.” She takes The Man Formerly Known as Demon Doe to the “ER” when he probably should be taken to the nearest pysch ward. Dean and Sammy-san make eyes at each other as the woeful orchestra warbles…woefully. Dean ignores Sammy-san’s pleas and leaves.

He doesn’t return to the hotel until the next morning. Sammy is awake, wearing the fetching white and pink shirt from in this season’s premiere and is reading a book. For his sake, that better be the Bible! As soon as Dean enters the room, he starts packing while Sammy tries to engage him into talking about his feelings, which Dean only does when one of them is about to die or is already dead. But I guess this situation is vastly different or Dean has learned from his past mistakes. “You don’t need me,” he says in his deep bartone that’s new to this season…and stolen from Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne in “The Dark Knight. “You and Ruby go fight demons.”

Sammy manfully begs him to stay, “Come on, man…hold on…” But Dean just breezes by him…and then, without warning levels him with a punch to the jaw that splits his lip. Sammy takes it, sighs the pain away. “Satisfied?” He says. Dean just hits him again. “I guess not.”

This is where I interject my 25 cents (inflation is a bitch, huh?). I know Samgirls everywhere are caterwauling on messageboards across the World Wide Web about how it’s wrong to hit people…and by people they mean Jared Padalecki’s fine, fine ass. I definitely don’t agree with that! And in this specific case, I think Dean was completely justified what with all of the lying and the betrayal and the LYING. The first punch was awesome and unexpected and completely deserved, but it doesn’t hold as much power because Dean punched Sammy in “Bloodlust” way back in the second episode of season three. I would have been happier if he punched him in the stomach, and really riled up the Sammy Stans. And since we’re keeping score, when is Sam going to hit Dean?

“Do you even know how far off the reservation you’ve gone? How far from normal, from human?” Dean angrily asks, eyes flashing. “We were just exorcising demons,” Sam answers innocently, illustrating quite simply that he strongly believes that he’s doing the right thing. “WITH YOUR MIND!” Dean screams, and drives home just how dark and scary and dangerous that is. For a brief moment, Jensen Ackles’ pretty face flushes with the same fear and disgust once only reserved for demons and nightmare things. Then he asks Sammy what else he can do, and Sammy volunteers that he can send them back to Hell. He promises that his powers only work with demons. Dean intensely asks Sammy again, grabbing his shirt and pushing him literally and figuratively because Sammy has been lying to him for months (try a year plus, Dean!). This scene is so passionate and well-acted that I am watching it with my mouth hanging open, and not even caring that they have yet to introduce the Monster of the Week. I don’t even care about the Monster of the Week. I love the angst!

Sam implores Dean to understand that he’s “pulling demons out of people” which is better than the knife because the knife “kills the victims.” Sammy’s voice is raised, but it’s soft and supple as he wills Dean to understand his actions are for the greater good. But Deano’s feet are planted firmly on the other side of the line John Winchester and other hunters have definitely drawn. He’s suspicious of Ruby for “tricking him into using his powers” and proclaims that the whole situation is a “slippery slope, brother.” And for some reason, that those three words break my heart. When Sam proclaims that he has it under control, Jensen explodes, flinging the lamp, clock radio and other crap across the room in one irate swipe of his arm. And THAT is more powerful than the previous second punch and feel twice as painful, because I honestly can’t remember if we’ve ever seen Dean do that before, and I honestly don’t think that was scripted. I think it was Jensen Ackles being the brilliant actor that he is. Then, it’s followed by this chilling proclamation: “If I didn’t know you, I would want to hunt you…and so would other hunters.” Um, SHIT! (Foreshadowing maybe? I hope to Dean it is!)

Sammy takes his time to absorb Dean as he fumes, eyes rimmed with the silver of tears. “You were gone. I was here. I had to keep on fighting without you.” Dean’s face softens, because Sam’s not yelling or throwing things or punches. He’s hurting, and finally Dean and the audience get a glimpse of it. “And what I’m doing…it works.” Stupid Sammy! He’s going to beat you to death with that lamp.

And are you ready for the real motherfuckin’ DUN Dean’s about to hit Sammy with? “Cas said that if I don’t stop you, he will. That means that GOD doesn’t want you doing this?” Sam shits his pants for the second time this episode. And Dean finally believes in God when he’s two steps away from smiting his baby brother.

The phone rings…and Sam does what anyone else does when they learn that they are on God’s Hitlist. He answers it. Sammy tries to sound normal and not at all freaked as Travis, a hunter and friend, lines up another job for them—tracking down Jack Montgomery in Carthidge, Missouri—but he’s obviously reeling from the entire confrontation. He looks like he needs a good cry, that aforementioned lapdance, and copious amounts of booze. Dean looks like he needs a dozen vampires to wail on “Bloodlust”-style and all of those things too. Where’s Gordon when you need him? Oh yeah, Sammy killed him.Carthidge, Missouri. Establishing shot of a nice, normal suburban house that you know is just stuffed with burgeoning crazy. Flash to Jack Montgomery chewing disgustingly. The sound guys made sure to get every revolting smack and groan as he shovels food down his gullet. Ugh, I knew just by the previews this episode was going to seriously abuse my sensitive gag reflex (Get your mind out of the gutter, nasty!). This is already gross! His pretty, normal wife wonders if he’s stoned as he’s already had two steaks and he’s scraping the rest of the mashed potatoes on his plate and asking his wife if she’s going to finish her steak as she goes to retrieve dessert. Gluttony is a sin! Can Sammy and Dean just kill him and get back to the angst? Please? But his wife just wonders if he has a tapeworm and Jackie promises that he “never felt better” and continues to sin by shoveling more food into his gaping maw.

Flash to Jackie shirtless and in the bathroom. Jackie has nice pecs. He brushes his teeth when something snaps viscerally from inside his body—and the snap was so loud, I felt that shit from my bedroom. Jackie folds against the bathroom counter in pain and arches his back as that’s where the agony resides. It hits again, his knees buckle completely, and he falls against the sink. His vertebrae ripple like piano keys and Jackie rolls with it, shuddering in absolute torture. It happens twice more, the force of moving bones shoving him harshly against the cabinets. Then it’s gone…and he stands up, examines his back, and gives Sammy some competition by shitting his own boxers in absolute fear.

Metallicar. Dark Highway. Sammy and Dean have apparently kissed and made up (not like that, Wincesters) as Dean has used the lengthy drive to fill his younger brother in on the happenings in the previous episode. Sam’s all, “Mom…a hunter?” And Dean’s brags, “that woman could kick some ass. I mean, she almost took me down.” Sammy asks how she looked—and that makes me sad because Sammy’s never had a chance to interact with his mother the way Dean has in “What Is And What Should Never Be” and last week’s episode. I kind of want to put a curse on the writers for doing this to poor Sammy, but then Dean starts speaking again, and the headlights stream across his pretty, pretty face as he’s all, “she had rainbows in her eyes and hope in her heart” or something uncharacteristically sweet and purely positive. Dean’s never talked like that before, but he got to see his mother happy, head-over-heals love, the women she was, before she was hibachi-ed by Yellow Eyes. And I pray that that image will overpower the one of her awful death in his mind (although I’m sure nothing will scrub the image of Mary and her father making out/sealing the deal from his mind. I wonder if he told Lil’ Sammy about that?).

Meanwhile, Sammy, the Stanford grad, computes that his grandmother, grandfather, mother, and father were all murdered “so Yellow Eyes could get in my nursery and bleed in my mouth.” And then Sammy panics, because Dean never mentioned that. Sammy’s too defeated to shit pants, and he knows Dean will send Cas after him if he desecrates the Metallicar’s sacred interior. Screwed Sammy tells Dean that he’s known for an entire year (way back to second season’s finale “All Hell Breaks Loose Part 1), but neglected to mention he probably forgot to tell Dean what with getting his spine severed, and then there was the small matter of his dying, Dean’s deal, Sam’s subsequent rebirth, and the Devil’s Gate opening. “I should have told you. I’m sorry.” “You’ve been saying that a lot lately, Sam.” Dean sniffles, and I laugh because he sounds like Sam’s weepy wife.

Dean and Sam hurl “whatevers” at each other, and both stonewall for the rest of what is probably a very quiet ride to Missouri. And they sound so much like my sister and I that I’m glad the scene is over.

Back to Jackie and his house of crazy. Jackie stumbles down the stairs in Khakis and a blue polo—the uniform of a Normal American White Guy—and asks his wife when dinner will be ready. I kind of hate him because he’s one of those husbands who refuse to cook meals. But the point is that he’s hungry again. Jackie would be a one-trick pony if he didn’t eat that too. He searches the fridge as his wife tells him that she’s making a homemade meal and it’s going to take some time. As she says this, I hope she’s not saying it from Jackie’s belly because I’m not really sure where the hell she is. Jackie’s in the kitchen and he yelled at her like she was still upstairs. So um…maybe they have a kitchen upstairs? Are the layouts of houses really that different in Canada? Or maybe the dinner is just in the stove…and I’m an idiot. Anyway, he grabs a beer and chugs away just in front of a window as Sam and Dean surveil with binoculars from Metallicar parked outside his house. Dean complains, “I’ve seen big weird, little weird, weird with crazy on top…but this guy, come on, this guy’s boring.” Sam reiterates that Travis was pretty sure they have the right man.

Back to Jackie. He’s still impatiently waiting for dinner, and he’s so bloody hungry that he tears into a leftover chicken, eating it bones and all like a feral dog. Jackie’s seems to be locked into a primal trance as he grabs and container of raw ground beef. Here is where I start gagging and cringing because Jackie is eating raw, bloody beef! While I know Normal American White Guys love a good tartar, I personally never eat anything that is remotely bloody, because it’s just unsanitary and too fleshy and I worry that I’ll get Ecoli or Mad Cow Disease. But unsanitary and fleshy appeal to our friend, Jackie. The disgusting scarf-fest continues until he seems to sober up, ground beef all over his hands and cheeks and bloody beef juice on his shirt. I hate this damn episode already!

Sam and Dean think Jackie’s love of practically mooing cow is strange, too. Dean is just giddy that he gets to kill something. Such a cheap date, that Dean Winchester.

At the hotel, Travis is already in Sam and Dean’s room, drinking their beer. I’m supremely disappointed, because Travis is the name of a hot, young hunter who is allergic to shirts and sharpens his evergreen stakes on his chiseled abs and probably has an Irish accent. But on his stupid show, Travis is a battle-worn, veteran hunter with a casted arm who comes up to Sam’s fuckin’ knee. He needed that demon blood more than Sammy, Yellow Eyes! He greets Dean with macho, back-slapping hug. I can’t see if he does the same with Sammy, because the fifteen-foot tall Jared Padalecki literally has to bend at the waist and swoop down to hug this midget of a man, and I almost cry with laughter. How did he survive this long as a hunter of the supernatural, I wonder.

“Man, you got tall, kid!” Travis announces to Sam. He then asks if Sam is still a mathelete! How cute, Sammy! Sam says he’s not, but Dean inexplicably says, “Yup, sure is.”

Travis seems to be unaware of the terrible tension between them or even Dean’s recent death and resurrection. “John would have been damn proud of ya, stickin’ together like this.” Dean, apparently PMSing and unable to find his Midol, twists the knife, “Yeah, we’re as thick as thieves. Nothing more important than family.” Dean can be quite the little bitch. Hee!

Travis and the boys get right to work. He thanks them for helping him out since he has a broken arm. Dean explains they witnessed Travis eating a “burger that he forgot to cook.” Travis replies, “That’s him all right. Boys, we got a Rugau on our hands!” This scene is nothing but exposition, so I’ll make it short. Rugarus start out as human, but around thirty, they go through some a metamorphosis into “like a maggot turning into a bullfly.”

Cut to Jackie’s wife. She is still cooking dinner, and now I’m wishing she’d hurry the fuck up, because unless she’s making Coq au Vin or handmade ravioli, she really should be done by now. Jackie, again, goes into the fridge and eyes yet another package of ground beef, sniffing it. Wifey predictably slices open her finger with the giant butcher knife she was using. She holds up her hand, dripping blood, and suddenly Jackie’s no longer interested in the hamburger. He’s interested in the blood.

Travis continues to explain. “Most of all they’re hungry…at first for everything, but then, for long pig.” Dean likes that term and makes that his word of the day. It’s good he is trying to broaden his horizons. “Hunger grows in until they can’t fight it.” Once they give into their unbearable hunger, the metamorphosis will be complete. Travis’s voice is cut over a swooping close up of Jackie as Wifey rinses her hand under water and declares that she needs stitches. Jackie, knowing that he wants to take a “nice juicy chomp” of his wife’s hand, stumbles backwards. “I gotta go. I gotta get out of here.” And he leaves her there, bleeding and outraged. Oh sweetie, be happy he left.

Travis continues this lengthy, boring and ab-less explanation, “One bite is all it takes. They feed once and they’re a monster forever. And our man’s going there on a bullet train.” The Midget Hunter knows this because he killed Jackie’s father in 1978 after he “mangled eight bodies.” He didn’t know Jackie Senior’s wife was pregnant, but Jackie Jr. was put up for adoption by the time he found out. He admittedly didn’t look very hard because he couldn’t handle killing a child.

I did a bit of a research on Rugarus. They appear in different forms in different cultures, but in Native American cultures, they are known as Wendigos. If you are a diehard fan, you’ll remember that the boys eagerly hunted and killed a Wendigo in the second episode of the first season. I remember that they had no problem dispatching him. “We torch the sucker!” Dean exclaimed happily in that episode.

Dear SPN Writers,
Recycling is awesome, unless it’s plotlines.
Love you, mean it!

Jackie Dahmer is at a bar, downing glasses of booze and eating those germy, contaminated nuts by the handful. There’s fecal matter in those, you dumbass! I doubt he cares about how unsanitary that is as he is trying to drown and bury the hunger for his wife’s bloody fingers. The screen strobes with images of real blood pumping through veins, Jackie Dahmer’s rude, open-mouth chewing, and his wife’s bloody finger as a human heart beats loudly on the soundtrack. It’s a simplistic and artistic way to convey Jackie Dahmer’s internal struggle to the viewer. Since he is in a bar, we know he’s going to get into a bar fight. Since this is “Supernatural,” we know the fight is either going to end with someone drinking Draino or getting mangled in gory, gory ways, which one will it be, I wonder. As if on cue, the Fat, Drunk and Stupid guy at the end of the bar starts hitting on the bar’s only female patron. “Hey, Douchebag, she said she doesn’t want to talk to you!” Jackie Dahmer threatens. And Dameon Clarke is quite the actor. He can mold his face in any way the script demands, and I love watching him. Before, he was toothlessly chewing, and then he was a normal, happy guy living his normal, happy life. Now his face is pinched and etched in anger as he struts over to the guy. “He doesn’t want to talk to you, you fat, sweaty, dick.”

Fat, Drunk and Stupid is much bigger than Jackie Dahmer, but he is still game. So, Fat, Drunk and Stupid throws a punch, and lives up to his name, because Jackie catches it with his hand and rips up, snapping all eight bones in the poor idiot’s wrist. Fat, Drunk and Stupid and the poor skank he was trying to defend scream and scream and scream while Jackie Dahmer runs away in pure disbelief.

Back to Hotel Exposition. Dean is burning something with a blowtorch. “So fire, huh?” “Only way I’ve found to kill these bastards, deep fry ‘em.” Sensitive little midget, ain’t he? “Well, that’s going to be…horrible,” Dean replies, as he plays with his little gas cans.

Sam enters the room, still wearing that awful, beige jacket wardrobe keeps putting him in. I’m going to assume that the wardrobe people are in fact male, because Sam and Dean usually wear at least three layers, even when it’s sunny. And they don’t take their shirts off enough. That fucking jacket makes Sammy look like the world’s tallest IRS agent with short stumpy arms. It’s a travesty! But I digress. Sammy enters the room with research, and he comments about how Travis isn’t wasting any time in planning Jackie’s assassination. Travis is offended that Sam is questioning his thirty years of hunting experience. He probably wishes he was as gung-ho and respectful of his elder hunters as Dean is. Sammy adorably stumbles and stammers to let Travis know that he values his recon. Dean, always protective of his lil’ giant of a bro, jumps in, “Sam loves research, he does. He keeps it under his mattress right next to his KY. It’s a sickness.” Aww, they’re buddies again.

Sam explains his findings: “I found a couple of interesting stories about people who have this rugaru gene or whatever.” I love how Jared twangs “rugaru.” He continues, “You see, they start to turn but they never take the final step. You see if they never eat human flesh, they don’t fully transform.” “So what go vegan, stay human?” Dean succinctly summarizes. Sammy nods, “Eat a lot of raw meat, just not…” “LONG PIG!” Dean eagerly interjects, happy to use his Word of the Day. Next stop, SATs, Deano!

Travis shoots him down, “Good on you for the due diligence, son. But those are fairytales.” Um, Trav, hunters trust those fairytales like civilians trust the Associated Press. Sam suggests that they should talk to Jackie Dahmer before he “hulks out” and they can tell him to fight it. Travis makes with the crazy eyes and laughs in poor Sammy’s hopeful (and handsome) face. Finally, in an episode that’s been all about fight The Hunger, Dean’s famous appetite finally, albeit pitifully, comes into play as Travis breaks it down for Sammy: “You ever really hungry? I mean, ‘haven’t eaten in days’ hungry?” “Yeah!” Dean growls. “Like this one time, I came back to life after being dead for four months. I was absolutely ravenous!” He says entirely in my head.

“Right then, someone slaps a big juicy sirloin in front of him, you walkin’ away? That’s what we are to him—meat on legs.” Travis continues. Sammy declares that, “We’re not going to kill him, unless he does something to get killed for.” And a lot of fans groan, “but you’ve done that before and that never works. Learn from your mistakes, stupid!” Or maybe that’s just me. Travis wonders what’s wrong with Sam, because he isn’t chomping at the bit to burn poor Jackie Dahmer alive and roast marshmallows over his corpse. Dean cryptically answers, “Don’t get me started.”

Jackie Dahmer’s House of Crazy. His wife is making some tea in a billow white nightgown? You know something bad is going to happen if she is wearing a billowy white nightgown, because this show loves offing Women in White. Will she be immolated on the ceiling like Mama Winchester? I kind of hope so. Wait, I take that back, because she’s wearing that giant nightgown, so I know she is pregnant. She turns around and yelps because Jackie Dahmer is standing there and successfully scares her senseless. Her finger is bandaged. Jackie Dahmer has his guilty face on, but he looks normal, and for the first time this episode, attractive. Wifey is “feeling pissed” when asked how she feels. She informs him that she had to drive herself to the hospital and was there until 2 am getting stitches, and she was worried about him, too. He lies and says was squeamish and dizzy at the sight of her blood, and then convincingly delivers the tired, lame and clichéd, “My cell phone died and I couldn’t find a payphone” excuse, which makes me wonder if he was cheating on her, because he really sold that lie. He apologizes profusely, and then glides immediately to flattery, telling Wifey that she’s pretty (and she is). Aww. He picks up her finger and tenderly starts kissing it as the audience’s skin crawls, because we know what he is and why he is so hungry. I was literally screaming “ew, ew, ew” because I expected him to “hulk out” and make hors d’oeuvres of her fingers. Or would they be amuse bouches?


Wifey is blissfully ignorant of the peril her digits are in. “Blood’s never bothered you before,” she says. Jackie Dahmer eerily rasps, “Well, I’ve changed.” He kisses her lips. Wifey is milking the entire situation for what it’s worth. Good girl. “This doesn’t get you off the hook, you know. Think diamonds, think Kobe-sized.” Jackie just continues to kiss her, and easily lifts her off her feet and onto the kitchen counter, but The Hunger takes over as he forcefully nibbles (EW) her neck and sticks his hands up her nightgown. Way to ruin the moment, Rugaru. You know strangers are the only people who get laid on this show! He pulls her hair and bangs her head against the cabinets. Wifey fights and screams and finally pushes him off. Jackie is dazed and confused and ashamed. Again. She puts some distance between her and her crazy husband. “You son of a bitch!” She screams, and the entire viewing audience sighs, because we know she is going to live. She knows The Magic Winchester Catchphrase. Jackie apologizes and runs out the door. Randomly, I finally notice how much Wifey looks like Evangeline Lily without the biceps.

Metallicar grumbles up the “Missouri” highway in the sunlight. The car is shiny and big and beautiful. Sam and Dean are en route to talk to Jackie Dahmer, but Dean wants to “make sure that if push comes, [Sammy’s] gonna shove” because “odds are we’re gonna have to burn this guy alive.”

I know Dean is talking about killing a mostly innocent man in the most gruesome way possible, but Jensen Ackles looks positively gorgeous in this shot that I don’t care. His eyelashes are curly and thick and luscious. Does he really not use masacra? Jared Padalecki looks like he has grown another foot while Jackie was mauling his wife. His head nearly brushes the top of the Metallicar’s roof! Sammy’s also wearing his constipated face as he insists that Dean stop objectifying their target and call him by his real name, Jackie Dahmer. Dean wants to follow Travis’ orders or he wants to release some of his pent up anger and kill something. They argue and snipe, on opposing sides of yet another issue. I’m bored, because we know Jackie’s going up in flames. Dean speaks for the audience, “You sure your emotions aren’t getting in the way here?” Sam’s like, “No, I’m a demon-killing badass in my fugly jacket!111” Dean spells out the parallels for the folks in the back. “You know, nice dude but he has something evil inside him, something in his blood. Maybe you can relate!” And Dean does that slow eye roll and opens them on Sammy’s angry, frustrated face. I’ve heard of car porn, gun porn, and thanks to a disturbing episode of “Friends,” even shark porn, but is there such a thing as eye porn? If there is, Jensen is servin’ it up!

Sammy looks tearful and sets his jaw in anger. He puts his mean voice on, “Stop the car or I will!” I don’t know about you, but I definitely wonder if Sammy means that he would stop the car with his mind when he gave Dean that ultimatum. I have no clue if that was the writer’s intent, but that how I take it. Just imaging the look on Dean’s face when Sam steers his baby off the road and kills the engine with his mind is too priceless to not to consider it. Hee!

Dean’s mind doesn’t go there at all, even though it should, and he obliges without a word. They pull up to a pretty scenic locale that’s lush and green and next to a river. It feels incredibly familiar, and I think it is the same spot where Dean told Sammy that his father told him that he might have to kill Sam if he were to turn evil. Whether this decision was made out of necessity or symbolism, I love it. Nice wink there, “Supernatural.” Pissed Sammy hops his giant ass out of the car before it even stops, and yells at Dean over the shiny, waxed roof of the Metallicar. “You want to know why I’ve been lying to you, Dean? Because of crap like this—the way you talk to me, the way you look at me, like I’m a freak! Or even worse, like I’m an idiot, like I don’t know the difference between right and wrong.” Sammy is infuriated and bitchslaps his brother with two seasons of festering anxiety. He paces and gestures wildly and spread his arms to show off his impressive, fifteen-foot wingspan. Sammy is quite intimidating when he is upset. Intimidating and hot.

It is Dean’s turn to attack. “Do you know the difference, Sam? I mean you’ve been kind of strolling a dark road here lately.” Now Sammy is less angry and appears to be an inch away from an anxiety attack as he tells Dean he doesn’t understand what he is dealing with. “I’ve got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins and I can’t ever rip it out or scrub it clean. I’m a whole new level of freak! I’m just trying to take this curse and make something good out of it, because I have to.” The Orchestra of Woe kicks up again, and Dean is suddenly silent. He has nothing to say, because what can you say? It seems like his darling little giant of a brother inherited more than Dean’s wheels when Dean went to hell, he also got his damaged, tortured psyche. Dean simply promises that they will go talk to Jack after they both go into opposite corners of the woods to weep.

Jackie Dahmer’s Garden of Crazy. Jackie is finding his peace like John Travolta in “Phenomenon” while he floods the plants with a garden hose. Sam and Dean ease noiselessly through the fence. I’m sorry, but if two guys did that in my yard, I would be screaming bloody murder and running in the house to call the police, hot guys or not. Kira doesn’t play like that. But Jackie is a guy and he can crush bones with one hand and he’s finding his peace, so he holds his ground. Aww, Sammy re-combed his hair after his cry in the woods. It is parted at the side and slicked down, probably with his own tears. Now, that is recycling, folks, take notes! He looks so adorable and definitely wins the Battle of the Pretty for this episode. Sorry, Jensen. Hee!
Dean can’t even look at Jackie, already convinced that he is going to have to crispify him, which is a nice touch by Jensen Ackles. To make another long scene of exposition short, Sensitive Sammy gently tries to tell Jackie Dahmer that he is a ticking time bomb of a cannibalistic monster and that he can’t take a bite of human flesh no matter how much he wants to or they’ll have to “stop him.” Jackie kicks them off his property. Dean isn’t surprised. “Good talk.” Dean snarks instead of saying “I told you so.” Dean’s PMS is worse than mine, I swear. I overnight Dean some Pillsbury Turtle Cookies knowing that it is the perfect remedy.

Jackie knows they were telling the truth, because we fade into him sitting at a bus stop in the middle of the night listening to a message from Wifey, who bless her stupid heart, still loves and worries about him. Enter Skanky Girl #2 who is getting undressed by her OPEN WINDOW of her apartment building. I’m sorry, but if you’re dumb enough to do that, you deserve to be eaten by a Rugaru. Jackie Dahmer, you have permission to make her your fourth meal!

And he listens to me, because a second later, Jackie growls, drops his head, and looks at her, well, hungrily, as she shuts her curtains, which are chiffon and transparent. Kill this dumb bitch now, please! Sam and Dean are surveilling, and Sam curses as Jackie enters the apartment building. Dean and Sammy grab their trusty torches and gas cans and run to her aide. Jackie climbs the fire escape as the boys enter through the lobby. Jackie ogles Fourth Meal in her black bra and panties, the heart beat trumpets his monstrous hunger. He trembles and pants outside her window as she takes her bra off. How come the girls never wear the mandated three layers?! The tell-tale heartbeat pumps faster as Jackie twitches and lusts after her flesh. Luckily, Fourth Meal turns off her bedroom light after putting on a tee shirt, and unknowingly gives Jackie a glimpse of what The Hunger has turned him into in the reflection of her window. His skin is wormy and throbs with ropes of veins beneath his sickly gleaming skin. “No!” he grits out, and the beating of the heart gets slower as he backs away, fighting the hunger like Sammy told him too. I know his metamorphosis is supposed to reference Kafka, but I see Jackie’s veiny pale forehead and I can only think of nothing but Vincent D’Onofrio in “Men In Black” *clap clap* as he played a human turning into a giant cockroach…so it comes back to Kafka in the end.

Cue Sam and Dean bursting through the door as The Skank Formerly Known As Fourth Meal enters her own kitchen for what I assume will be a night of cookies and ice cream and chick flicks on the couch. She shrieks and smartly runs into the bedroom and locks the door. “Wait, we’re here to save you…I guess!” Dean promises. “I’m calling the police!” She screams. Sam surveys the apartment, completely freaked when he finds it Jackie-less. “We should go.” “Yeah!” Dean says. Sam hightails it out the door, and Dean runs too, but politely closes the door with a nervous laugh. When he does this, wood from the splintered doorframe shifts more. This scene was entirely too short, I tell you. I needed that jolt of humor with all the screamy angst I’ve had to choke down.

Jackie Dahmer’s House of Crazy and Gore! Jackie enters his home with an unreadable expression on his face. Is he going to eat his wife in a way she absolutely won’t enjoy? (Yes, that was uncalled for, couldn’t help it, sorry.) He finds her gagged and tied to a chair…um, DUN?! He attempts to free her, but tiny Travis steps out from behind a wall and chloroforms him. How did he do that without a stepladder? Stilts, maybe?

In the history of the show, we have met three different categories of hunters: there are Stupid Hunters (Richie from “Sin City,” John Winchester, etc.), Tortured Hunters (the husband and wife team from “The Magnificent Seven”), and Batshit Hunters (Gordon Walker from three previous episodes). Travis finally confirms that he’s a Batshit Hunter, a White Gordon, if you will. See, Dean, there’s a Gordon!

We fade in to Jackie…who is standing up yet unconscious and handcuffed to a pillar? Huh? Are the laws different laws of gravity in Canada too? Whatever. He wakes up, jerks his handcuffs, and finally panics when he sees his wife lashed to a chair. Batshit Travis walks into the shot, and Jackie reassures his wife, “We’re gonna stay calm. We’re going to give this man whatever he wants.” “I’m sorry about this Jack, I really am. It’s not the way I wanted it to go,” Batshit Travis explains as he removes Wifey’s gag. He tells Jackie that he already met some “friends” of his. And Travis carefully explains that he hasn’t hurt anyone. He does this so he doesn’t tell his wife that he’s, oh, eight minutes away from becoming a cannibalistic freak. Batshit Travis tells Jackie to tell his wife what he is, but he refuses, and begs for her to be let go because “she’s not apart of this.” “I really do apologize, but she is…” The crazy hunter implores Wifey to tell Jackie what he told him when he entered the house and attacked her. Wifey looks confused, yet horrified, and tears trickle down her face as she licks her lips, and confesses, “I said ‘Don’t hurt me, because I’m pregnant.’” And I knew the minute she wore that big, puffy nightgown that she was pregnant, but the camera is really close on her face and she’s obviously afraid, and the power of her declaration still hits hard. What’s supposed to be the happiest moment of they life as husband and wife is now the most terrifying. “Now you see the mess we’re in? I can’t make this mistake again. I won’t be around in thirty years. This has got to end now.” Batshit Travis says.

He pulls the gas can of doom from his bag. Wifey is quick on the uptake and hollers, “Oh God! Please no!” as Batshit Travis starts coating the joint in accelerant. Jackie proves how much he loves his wife by bargaining, “if you want to kill me, kill me, but not my wife!” Batshit Travis offers his condolences? Um, Sammy, Dean, Wifey, Fourth Meal, Ruby, Castiel, John Travolta, Chandler Bing…anyone, kill this motherfucker! The adrenaline from Jackie’s innate Fight or Flight Reflex is kicking into high gear. The heart beats on soundtrack as once again images of cellular blood and his wormy face and his life with Wifey flash quickly on the screen. The cadence of the heart intensifies as Jackie struggles mightily against the handcuffs. They finally snap and he wastes not a second in subduing the fucking pyro. He tackles Batshit Little Travis to the ground and punches him twice. Batshit Travis flips him over with a blow of his own and attacks, beating Jackie in the face with his cast. Travis appears to be as resourceful as he is insane! So that’s how he survived so long.

On the third swipe, Jackie intercepts his arm and again and yet again folds it like an origami swan. The poor ole hunter gets one hell of a compound fracture as souvenir from Jackie Dahmer’s House of Crazy and Gore! It’s gruesome and gag-inducing, but awesome! Suck it, Travis! Travis predictably collapses and howls in pain, and probably regrets this whole plan right about now. Jackie’s eyes are beetle black and there appears to be something delectable about Screamy Travis’ neck. Can he see his pulse or hear his heartbeat? It seems to be all of the above as Jackie Dahmer tilts his head like wolf would eye a steak tied to a bear trap. He peels the clothes away from Travis’ neck like it’s the outer skin of a banana…and then, finally, he takes a chunk, tearing open Batshit Travis’ carotid and jugular in the process. He chews the chunk with his mouth open (how rude and FUCKING GROSS!) as Travis makes ungodly sounds and blood squirts onto the oriental rug. Wifey is a tiny bit confused as to why her husband is eating their attacker. Travis chokes on his own blood, and his eyes flare with impending death. Jackie Dahmer loves Travismeat, and he is soon talking another bite, flesh squishes as he enthusiastically tears it away with his teeth. Travis’ body jerks as Jackie Dahmer consumes him, but he isn’t screaming anymore. He can’t. Jackie is actually holding his chin as he chomps and rips and cleaves flesh away. His forehead has grown pale and wormy and his chin and jaw are covered in blood and chunks of Travis. And this is all so ridiculously gross that I had to put down my popcorn! And I love popcorn! And I’ve eaten while dissecting a sheep’s brain in my college anatomy class, so thanks, Supernatural for turning me into a squeamish, little wuss!

Jackie Dahmer, bloody and more a monster than he is human, turns to Wifey with confused eyes. He cocks his head at her like he doesn’t know how is or what he is to her, and approaches slowly. I know he’s not going to eat her. I hope he’s not going to eat her. HE BETTER NOT EAT HER! I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT HER! SHE MAKES GREAT DINNERS IN HER UNSEEN UPSTAIRS KITCHEN AND I NEVER WANTED HER TO BURN TO DEATH ON THE CEILING! I PROMISE! But he sets her free, nearly ripping the chair in half when he does. She flies up, warns her freak of a husband to stay away from her, and wastes no time running to her car and driving away without ever taking the keys. I assume she’s going to the same pysch ward that The Guy Formerly Know As Demon Doe is in. Maybe they’ll fall in Crazy Love and have normal, non-Rugaru rugrats.

Inside, the last bits of Jackie Dahmer that are still human seem revolted by recent events, but those quickly burn away and he animalistically looks at Travis’ bloody corpse like it is a platter of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. He approaches it slowly, and crouches out of frame to finally indulge in Rugaru’s Original Recipe.

Our incredibly LATE heroes roll up to Jackie Dahmer’s House of Corpses and Gore. Jared Padalecki is definitely too big for that damn car and gratefully steps out and rises and rises and rises to his full height of what is it now, 15’ 4’’? They figure out that Travis is in his house, and it’s Sam’s turn to utter The Magic Winchester Catchphrase. “That stupid son of a bitch!” They enter the absolutely lovely home, ya know, minus the monster and half-eaten corpses, and immediately zone in on the giant blood stain in the rug, but now there is a huge smear of blood leading away fro the foyer. The show cuts to a vomit-inducing pile of bloody bones. And they deduce from—what, the size of the tiny femurs?—that it’s what’s left of Batshit Travis. Sammy looks mighty guilty (with those irritatingly big sideburns) and Dean just preens for the camera. Until Jackie Dahmer tackles him, slamming his face into a glass table that fortunately doesn’t break, but unfortunately knocks Dean unconscious. Yes, that made me jump. And shriek. Shut up.

Sammy backpedals, struggling to light those ghetto gas cans. Why they didn’t opt for something more efficient—a flamethrower perhaps—I have no idea. Jackie, the monster, tackles Sammy to the ground and takes a page from The Late Batshit Travis’ playbook, and bludgeons Sam in his giant skull with the gas can. Everything snaps to black.

Fade back into Sam. His forehead is bloody and red and his nose is bleeding. He’s slumped against the corner of a wall, and slowly wakes up. It takes me a second to realize where he is. And when I do, I fall off my bed into a fit of immature giggles. Why, you ask? Sam is in the closet. SAM IS IN THE CLOSET! If Dean weren’t unconscious and about to become the main course in Jackie Dahmer’s Winchester Buffet, he’d be laughing and crying along with me, because SAM WINCHESTER IS IN THE CLOSET!

Okay, I’m done. I promise.

Sammy tries to doorknob and, duh, it’s locked. He calls for Dean. Jackie Dahmer has apparently been poisoned by Batshit Travis’…batshitty-ness, because he is crouched on the floor, and crazies, “Dean can’t come to the phone right now” with his bloody mouth and wormy face. Sammy’s all, “It’s okay, I’ll hold” or maybe he just ferociously beats against the door and threatens the cannibal who is alone with his unconscious brother. Real smart, there, Sammy. Jackie warns Sam to calm down, and we see that he has knelt about ten feet away from Dean and is still fighting the urge to feed. I give Batshit Jackie Dahmer credit, because that is one tasty morsel right there. I’m also going to take this time to wonder why Jackie dragged Sammy’s freakish tall and freakishly heavy body into the closet and not Dean’s since he’s smaller. He’s not a very smart Rugaru. Sammy’s meatier and…um, juicier? But he did it because the writers told him too, so moving on.

Sammy heaves a sigh of relief that his beloved brother isn’t dead AGAIN, and leans against the door. He calms down like Jackie tells him too. Sammy tries to get out of the closet quietly (HAHA! That is still funny!). It is irritating that he doesn’t use his DEE-MONIC Telekinesis to do so, because um, Dean’s in great peril and the entire episode is about Dean’s discovery of Sammy DEE-MONIC powers and how Sammy thinks they are helpful. Jackie cries that Sammy sent Travis there to attack him and his wife, and therefore making him take the leap into the dark abyss of Rugarudom. He doesn’t explain why Travis wanted to burn his wife alive, therefore protecting her again. Aww, nice little cannibal. He then crawls over to Dean and reaches a trembling wormy hand out to taste Dean’s blood. “God, I’m so hungry,” he whines.

Sammy now tries to pick the lock with the hooked end of a hanger INSTEAD OF USING HIS FUCKING POWERS! Jackie continues to crazily speechify, and I just want Sammy to off this bloody-faced freak before he takes a chunk out of Dean’s fine ass, and I reach through the screen and do it damn myself. Sammy’s blahing about “a dark pit inside you” and how he understands, and I’ve heard this mess eight trillion times. I think this very speech was lifted from “Bloodlust” when, oh what do you know, Dean punched Sammy! Again with the recycling! If Supernatural is going green, can Sammy mindfreak the door open like he did in “Nightmare” when he saved Dean from Crazy Max? “You don’t have to be a monster!” Sammy drones on. Batshit Jackie Dahmer snarks, “Have you seen me lately?” Ha. Monster’s funny.

Sammy’s still trying to make like MacGyer with the hanger. Outside the closet, Jackie’s hunger seems to cause him pain…either it’s the hunger or the metamorphosis. I really don’t care. He inches closer to Dean—so it’s the hunger—with his nasty mouth open. He needs to bite but he is admirably still fighting it, because he knows fangirls will be on his ass in .2 seconds. Dean finally startles awake. Sammy SOMEHOW breaks out of the closet. They never show how he did it, so we can debate about how he got out, which will ultimately turn into internet bickering and escalate to death threats. BRING IT! And he stands with his gas can and lighter at the ready. Jackie looks at him and seems ready to be rid of this monster for good. He lunges for Sammy, and finally, Sammy wastes no time in barbequing his ass. Dean sees that Sammy did indeed shove back. Sammy looks like he is about to throw up. You and me both, Sam. You and me both.

Wrap up. Dean assures Sammy that “did the right thing” and then tries to apologize to Sam for “being hard on him lately.” And I hear nothing because Jensen Ackles is blinking a lot, giving me more eye porn. Yay! I check back in to hear Dean confess that Sammy “psychic thing” scares the crap of him. Sammy doesn’t want to talk. He wants to brood. Dean is as incredulous as I am. Sammy always wants to talk and share his feelings. I bet he just doesn’t want to let it slip that he was in the closet. Hee! Even though he doesn’t want to talk, he does say that he can’t make Dean understand him because “this blood is not in you like it’s in me.” Dean starts to sing, “I’ll Be There” by the Jackson 5. When he’s finished, Sammy looks at his reflection, much like Jackie did when he was about to eat some poor stupid girl who likes to undress in front of windows (I still wish he did eat her!), and declares that he is stopping the training sessions with Ruby Miyagi. He is not doing it for Dean (Um, again, he went to hell for you. Why isn’t Dean playing that card?!) or Castiel or even God but he is doing it for himself. Selfish, much? Do it for Castiel! He even goes so far to say that by experimenting with his powers, he is “playing with fire” as if the heavy parallels of his episode have been highlighted enough. This is “his choice” and he made it. He says this like it’s that simple and we all know that on “Supernatural,” it never is.